How to present like an american consultant

The Americans

They made Arabs part with their land to make Israel

They made their people believe there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq

They made the ipod

They're pretty good at making things up that's for sure.

I had the pleasure of being in the presence of a super-killer-motivator-sell-ice-to-eskimos-person

and I would like to share a few familiar 'killer' phrases that can be 'game-changers' at your presentation.

First of all, here are some rules of usage.

1. Use it often.

2. Put the audience in a spot by using those phrases and asking them while looking at them in the eye

3. Affirm an obvious scenario. Eg - the room is silent, you say, 'see i just changed the mood of the room just by tuning my voice one octave lower, it's the power of (fill in the blank with whatever word/phrase that i have below)

Here are the few consultant-language words that make you sound smarter, or your audience slightly more stupid:

I've also included links to the words so you guys can read-up on how to use them.

1. Idiosyncrasies - 'This campaign touches on the idiosyncrasies that are specific to our target audience, and speaks to them as an individual. Now when was a last time a TV commercial did that?"

2. Ontological - "This isn't an advertising campaign, it's an ontological journey we're about to embark with our target market." Then you look the marketing director in the eye and ask "Isn't that what we should be doing with all our advertising? Great!"

3. Dialectic - You may use this word when clients ask if the campaign works for Bahasa and Mandarin, like so, "Listen, we're not about to launch into a dialectic that dilutes the purity of the big idea. What's important are the emotions that the imagery conjures."

4. Cartesian Cage - Caution. Use this phrase carefully. If you google the words 'Cartesian Cage' nothing coherent comes up. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS. So it's a little like an emergency eject button, use it when the clients are deadlocked in an indecision about your campaign, "Let's not get locked in a Cartesian Cage with our questions. Shall we move on?" And continue selling the rest of the campaign.

5. Soulsmen - This one is power. Instead of saying 'We need our sales team to be advocates for this campaign to work' you can say "We want them to be SOULSMEN, not SALESMEN".

6. Content VS Context - I quite agree with this point. And I actually will try to use it sometime in the future. Use this when a client, in his own delusional megolomaniacal mind wants to start his own 'facebook' or 'twitter' instead of latching onto existing social media platforms. Like so, "It's a case of Content VS Context. We're already being bombarded with too much content. What we need is to utilise the content we have, in the right context. Now check out this TVC"

7. We'll figure it out - use this phrase when the clients have already bought the big idea, but wants to put a bigger logo than the picture and you don't want to argue any more in the same meeting, "Don't worry, we'll figure it out"

And now. Let's see if we can string together the most god-like opening pitch presentation speech known to man (or American man):

Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen. Today we have a unique campaign that really touches the idiosyncrasies of our target market like never before. In fact, I wouldn't even call it advertising, rather, an ontological journey that will do away with all the dialectic confusion you face with your current campaign (a slight gentlemanly jab at their current ad agency). So before we start, we want you guys to really take a deep breath and move out of your cartesian cage. Today we are all soulsmen, not salesmen for the brand. Today, we'll figure it out!

Please drop me a message or hire me if any readers do win a pitch with the above opening sales pitch.